The point of being an executive is depositing huge checks while serving on the boards of other companies and voting for their executives’ huge checks. Are you new to this planet?

“Nothing’s on purpose, ma’am.”

THEY BANNED A FUCKIN BEE

Weighing way too goddam much is also a cause of back (and knee) problems.

Shit, Anthony Bourdain had six-pack abs at age 61. You’re never too old to stop whining about life and start moving some weights around and stop eating so much shitty food.

Dude has an unlimited supply of ketamine. He probably is actually enjoying life most of the time, unfortunately.

School bus driving— Mixing truck driving with zoo keeping…

That’s a great description - except zoo keepers have bars and glass plates to protect them from the animals.

I’m a school bus driver and we’re supposed to not allow foul language. It’s only a problem on the middle school runs, and it’s not really worth the effort on my part to do anything about it. I’m just happy when I can unload all the kids and nothing has been set on fire.

Chicken jockey
Deez nutz

“I cut myself in half and became two of me.”

Where I live, a few stop signs have a square white sign below them that says “EXCEPT FOR RIGHT TURN”, i.e. you don’t have to actually stop if you’re turning right. It’s incredibly fucked up - it works fine if you’re a local and you’re familiar with these signs, but people new to the area don’t know anything about it and if they’re on the crossroad they actually expect the other driver to stop since all they see is the backside of the octagon. It’s pointless to have these signs anyway since people usually roll through stop signs as it is.

Why would you have failed? You are supposed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

It’s hilarious to me that Musk claims to work 100 hours a week but he’s the CEO of five companies. Even if the claim were true (and of course it isn’t) it means being the CEO of one of his companies is a 20-hour-a-week job at best.

I know many people who believe that “right on red” means they have the right of way to make the turn and don’t have to stop first or yield to traffic.

Butler was (will be?) right!

Japanese cars are superior to American cars

I had a high school friend who went on to become an engineer at General Motors. One of his first projects for them was tearing down an Infiniti and a Lexus when those cars first came on the market. He said that at the time, GM cars typically had between 300 and 400 production defects of varying severity. When they took apart the Infiniti, they found 2 production defects; when they took apart the Lexus, they found 0.

Random tea story: I travelled in India a few … shit, decades ago. On one of my train trips there was this one guy selling tea from a big urn. Usually these guys jump on at a station, sell cups of tea or coffee to whoever wants it, then they jump off at the next station; they can’t sell tea or coffee in more than one car because the passageways between cars are usually kept locked.

This one guy walked up and down the aisle selling a few cups, then he went to the door (the car doors that people use to get on or off the train are usually kept open or they’re not even there) and while holding his urn in one hand grabbed the vertical handrail on the outside of the door with his other hand, swung himself out into space (this while the train was moving at full speed), grabbed the handrail of the next car and swung himself in. He did this just so he could sell a few more cups of tea before we reached the next station.

People tend not to believe me when I tell this story, but there are a bunch of Youtube videos from India showing people doing even crazier shit than this on trains. For me, it just tends to make me not sweat the tea rings underneath my cup.

Edit: found the one I was thinking of.

You must be fun at parties

This meme is even more annoying than SpaceX employees being ordered to cheer.

Not to mention that Musk himself contributed nothing to SpaceX’s technical achievements. All he did was insist that the audio of their launches and recoveries include employees cheering maniacally - easily the most annoying aspect of SpaceX.

And that is totally what I do when I eat at McDonalds: I whip out my manifesto and my fake ID and put it on the table.